


what is WRONG with you people!

by mimsical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Furry, Gen, M/M, Multi, Pesterlog, also did i win davepeta's chumhandle i think i did, davepeta and jasprose exist and haven't evaporated into thin air, does everyone remember that nepeta and terezi used to rp together, gratuitous discussion of furries, john is a kinkshamer, john is not as unamused as he's acting he's mostly just screwing around, john tries to drag everyone and then gets mercilessly dragged instead, memo hell, or actually:, roleplaying, strilondes aka tmi family, vague discussion of kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 15:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9331886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimsical/pseuds/mimsical
Summary: EB: i don’t know why i have to say this but let me be clear:EB: furries are not sexy!!





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a joke fic that i wrote to deal with feeling like a crappy writer and is not intended to be taken seriously
> 
> edit like nearly a year later: i have mixed feelings about this fic but needless to say i'm a low-key furry

ectoBiologist [EB] opened memo on board what is WRONG with you people!

EB: i don’t know why i have to say this but let me be clear:  
EB: furries are not sexy!!  
EB: jade gets a dubious pass because in my timeline she admitted to a little regret over her younger self’s phase ending up with her being a shitty space furry for the rest of eternity.  
EB: but i don’t know how she feels about this all in this timeline so her pass may be revoked at any point.  


turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.

TG: yo davepeta where you at  
EB: no bad dave!  


akwetePurrmusk [AP] responded to memo.

AP: B33 < *ap curiously approaches memo and gives it a thoughtful sniff*  
AP: B33 < why john i never knew you were curipuss about the noble calling of roleplay and fursuits!  
EB: no!!  


gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.  


EB: terezi help  
GC: *TH3 DR4GON 4W4K3NS FROM H3R SLUMB3R 4ND OP3NS 4 S1NGL3 GLOW1NG 3Y3 TO 3X4M1N3 TH3 M3MO*  
GC: *W1TH 4 S1NGL3 SHUDD3R SH3 D1SLODG3S TH3 SO1L TH4T H4D G4TH3R3D ON H3R DUR1NG H3R LONG N4P*  
GC: *4 SM4LL MOUNT41N’S WORTH OF D3BR1S SL1D3S FROM H3R B4CK 4ND CRUSH3S S3V3R4L 1NNOC3NTS B3LOW*  
GC: H3LLO MY SM4LL M3OWB34ST FR13ND. 1T H4S B33N 4 LONG T1M3 S1NC3 1 L4ST SPOK3 TO 4 L1V1NG CR3ATUR3  
GC: YOU B34R 4 GR34T R3S3MBL3NC3 TO 4NOTH3R F3L1N3 1 ONC3 KN3W  
EB: stop, i’m begging you.  
AP: B33 < >B33  
AP: B33 < > B33  
AP: B33 < >B33  
EB: i’ll block you, don’t think i won’t!  
TG: this is the funniest memo ive ever witnessed  
TG: and im saying that after years of prolonged contact with karkat  


tentacleTherapist [TT]  responded to memo.

EB: please be normal rose.  
TT: I was always more one for supernatural roleplay, I have to admit.  
TT: It’s always been tentacles and fangs that send those sexy little shivers down my spine.  
TT: Especially wrapped up in the form of a charming young lady.  
TG: rose i love you  
EB: okay, something tells me that was actually very accurate and more than i ever wanted to know about your sex life.  
TT: ;)  


tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  responded to memo.

TG: l  
TG: m  
TG: f  
TG: a  
TG: o  
TG: rose you are the best and i also love you  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] responded to memo.

GG: Goodness! This is quite the conversation to be walking into.  
GG: I’ll give you my reassurances, John. I’m not one for sexual anthropomorphic roleplay either.  
EB: thank god.  
EB: all we need now is to complete the family of sanity.  
EB: jake, where are you?  
TG: might have some bad news on the jake + nonfurry front  
EB: nope! don’t ruin my fantasy of normalcy roxy!  
EB: don’t tell my i have furry dna in me.  
EB: if you value my happiness anyway.  


timaeusTestified [TT]  responded to memo.

EB: oh hell no  


ectoBiologist [EB] banned  timaeusTestified [TT] from responding to memo.

TG: awww john dont be mean  
TG: for all u know maybe dirks renounced his fetishistic ways  
EB: is that supposed to change my mind?  
TG: i could just hack the memo  
EB: /sigh  
EB: fine.  


ectoBiologist [EB] unbanned timaeusTestified [TT]  from responding to memo.

TT: What’d I miss?  
TT: Don’t answer, I’ll just scroll up.  
EB: *anyway*, you’re all missing the point of this memo.  
EB: the point is that furries are weird.  
EB: and therefore my friends are weird too.  
AP: B33 < aww but were all just innocent young gods led astray  
AP: B33 < we could rp you bringing us back to the regular world if it would make you f33l better B;33  
TG: just a question was astray a cat pun  
AP: B33 < you bet  
TG: nice  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1T’S RUD3 OF YOU TO B3 4CT1NG L1K3 P3OPL3 WHO ROL3PL4Y 4R3 GROSS  
GC: WH4T’S WRONG W1TH P3OPL3 H4V1NG FUN?  
TG: yeah john whats with the kinkshaming  
TT: I agree with Dave. If I enjoy the thought of Kanaya’s fangs dragging tenderly across my bare, vulnerable skin, it’s not really any of your business.  
TG: and on that note id like to put forth a proposal  
TG: we should change our collective family title  
TG: strilondes is too boring you know  
TG: how do you feel about  
TG: the tmi family  
TG: i mean god damn rose  
GG: Yes, I think Rose’s input so far is pretty much the exact definition of TMI.  
AP: B33 < *ap wonders if jasprose shares the same prefurrences as rose*  
TG: where is jasprose anyway  
AP: B33 < B// idk i havent heard from her in a few days  
GG: Well, if that’s all that this conversation is going to contain, I might bow out now before things get any more awkwardly personal.  
EB: don’t leave me jane!  
TT: Alright, I’m caught up.  
TT: I’ll start off my contribution to this conversation with a disclaimer:  
TT: The whole horse thing was really a long, convoluted joke.  
TT: I mostly don’t think people dressed as horses are hot. Nor do I think that actual horses are hot.  
TT: However,  


golgothasTerror [GT]  responded to memo.

TT: Hi Jake.  
TG: that was so not smooth i cant believe were related  
TG: ur right dave lets remove him from the tmi family because he totally just decided not to finish his sentence  
GT: …  
GT: Is dirk oversharing again?  
TG: not anymore hes not  
TG: wheres karkat anyway i want him to cackle about this with me  
TT: He’s with Kanaya.  
EB: i’ve lost control over this conversation, haven’t i?  
TG: lets be real john you were never in control  
GC: TH1S 1S BOR1NG. JOHN, STOP K1NKSH4M1NG 3V3RYON3 >:/  
GC: *TH3 FORM1D4BL3 DR4GON B4TH3S TH3 M3MO 1N 4 J3T OF F1R3, 1NC1N3R4T1NG 4LL. TH3R3 W1LL B3 NO SURV1VORS*  


gallowsCalibrator [GC]  left memo.  


AP: B33 < yeah shes right were not even talking about furries anymore?  
AP: B33 < oh my god dave check it  
AP: B33 < purries  
TG: nice  
AP: B33 < but i do have other things to do!  
AP: B33 < *ap stalks off into the underbrush to find their erstwhile companion jasprose who is being annoying and sulky!*  


akwetePurrmusk [AP]  left memo.

GT: I seem to have come in at the very end of this conversation.  
GG: Given the way things were going, it’s probably for the best.  
GG: There’s some things I’d rather not know about my friends.  
TG: wait wait w a i t  
TG: …  
TG: im not seein any waiting  
GT: … *Waits.*  
TG: thank u  
TG: jake.  
GT: Roxy?  
TG: tell us  
TG: about  
TG: avatar  
EB: nope! do not tell us about avatar!  
EB: here, i’ll even update my position since everyone’s calling me a kinkshamer:  
EB: i respect your kinks and you can do whatever you want  
EB: but why does everyone insist on talking about it??  
TT: Because we’re not repressed, probably.  
EB: are you calling me repressed buddy?  
TT: I mean, you’re the one who started the memo. It’s not us insisting on talking about it when you initiate.  
GT: …So should i talk about avatar or not.  
TT: Probably not, but only because John can’t handle it.  


gardenGnostic [GG]  responded to memo.

GG: john i cant believe you called me a shitty space furry!!  
EB: agh!  
GG: ill have you know that i am very proud of my furriness!  
GG: my ears are one of my best features  
GG: davepeta says you’ve been insulting furries everywhere  
GG: well ill not stand for it!!  
GG: jake are you ready to take up arms against this dastardly foe?  
GT: We will vanquish this villain in no time! *whips out pistols with enthusiasm*  
EB: okay jeez.  
EB: i’m sorry i kinkshamed apparently everyone.  
EB: like actually sorry.  
EB: can we just close this memo and forget this ever happened?  
TG: no chance on forgetting  


ectoBiologist [EB]  banned  turntechGodhead [TG] from responding to memo.

TG: yea def not lol sorry john  
EB: mostly i’m sorry that this wreck of a conversation happened.  
TT: John, are you just going to ban everyone?  


ectoBiologist [EB] banned tentacleTherapist [TT]  from responding to memo.

GG: okay fine but when i next see you i will have words for you, buster!  


gardenGnostic [GG]  left memo.

TT: Should I finish my earlier sentence? Sure, why not. “However,” there is something about various fetish items that I find pretty… interesting.  
GG: Dirk, no.  
EB: why  


ectoBiologist [EB]  banned timaeusTestified [TT]  from responding to memo.

TG: *eyes jake curiously*  
GT: *Goes red!!*  
GT: Dont eye me!  
TG: k but now i wanna know  
EB: banned, banned, everyone gets banned!  


ectoBiologist [EB]  banned golgothasTerror [GT]  from responding to memo.

ectoBiologist [EB]  banned  tipsyGnostalgic [TG] from responding to memo.

EB: discuss dirk’s weird fetishes that jake may or may not know the details of in private!  
GG: …  
EB: oh, hey, jane. you’re still here.  
GG: Honestly at this point I’m surprised, too.  


gutsyGumshoe [GG] left memo.

EB: /sigh.  
EB: that happened.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] responded to memo.

CG: HOLY SHIT. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE.  


ectoBiologist [EB] is idle.  


GA: I Feel I May Need To Have A Conversation With Rose  
CG: YEAH SHE KIND OF WENT OVERBOARD ON SHARING THERE.  
GA: Perhaps This Conversation Will Include Instances Of My Fangs Touching Her Bare Vulnerable Skin In A Provocative And Sensual Manner  
CG: KANAYA NO.  
GA: ;)  


grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  left memo.

CG: …  
CG: NOPE, NOT TALKING TO MYSELF IN AN EMPTY MEMO. THAT PART OF MY LIFE IS OVER. I’M GOING TO GO FIND DAVE.  
CG: THAT’S DEFINITELY THE SOLE BENEFIT OF THE MUTATION, THOUGH.  
CG: THE SHITTY FANGS I MEAN.  
CG: IT WOULD REALLY RUIN THE MOOD IF HE STARTED GUSHING BLOOD EVERYWHERE WHENEVER I GET NEAR HIS Bare Vulnerable Skin In A Provocative And Sensual Manner.  
CG: WAIT I JUST SAID I WASN’T GOING TO DO THIS.  


ectoBiologist [EB] is back from idle.

EB: …  
CG: WHOOPS YOU’RE STILL HERE BYE.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] left memo.

 

“Anyway,” Roxy concludes, “it was definitely one of the weirder memos we’ve had since we started off on our grand new world.” You run your fingers through her hair, which makes her opens her eyes and smile up at you. It squeezes your heart wonderfully.

“It sounds humorous,” you say. “I’m sorry to have missed it.” You giggle a little when she reaches up and captures your hand.

“Callie,” she sighs. “We have the weirdest friends. It was a rip-snorting hubbub of malarkey, or something like that. But I love them, so it’s all fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> i actually made some very intentional serious choices about when some people were going to say certain things and who and why 
> 
> what am i doing with my life? im seriously wondering this, too.


End file.
